Something that I found interesting was the idea that God deals with each person in a unique way, according to his or her own individual needs.
Until coming to college, most experiences that I labeled as “moments with God” were in communal settings. Whether it was going to Mass or praying before bed with my mom, I had never truly seen the possibility of communication with God as a one on one, personal experience. I saw my relationship with God as one that first involved conversation. My ideas of conversation, however, were skewed as I would be the one doing all of the talking and I did not listen to Him. My relationship with God also felt very standardized. While I was aware that each person was unique, this did not translate for me into the idea that a relationship with God could involve that same, individual feeling. The same bedtime prayers, Sunday Masses, lessons taught in religion classes and the constant communal setting instilled the mindset in me that my relationship with God relied on the presence of others and that I did not have an individual relationship with God. There was always a level of connection that I felt to religion through the prayers and lessons, but I never felt completely connected. I was not bringing my whole self into the relationship and when I realized that I always had the ability to do just that, I changed the way in which I approached my relationship with God.
When coming to Saint Joe’s, several things played key factors in the changes that occurred in my relationship with God. They were my trip to New Mexico, Chapel Choir, the Spiritual Exercises and, most recently, the 5-Day Silent Retreat. The service immersion experience I had in New Mexico has influenced my life in countless ways but in terms of my relationship with God, it reinforced the Jesuit value of finding God in all things. Before college and this trip in particular, I saw God at Mass and in the morning prayers before classes at school. While God was a part of my faith life, I was not actively seeking him out in my day to day experience which did not allow for me to more fully grow and connect in a deeper relationship with Him. New Mexico is where I found God -- I saw His face in the sunrise, his outstretched arms in the limitless horizon, the twinkle of His eye in the glimmering stars and his footprints in the beauty that surrounded me. I found God in myself in New Mexico in the Sweat -- I've never felt God's presence more powerfully inside of me and while I may never feel the intensity of what I felt then ever again, its power still wakes up with me every single day and I pray that I continue to recognize and feel that power each day
Chapel Choir and the gift of music is another way that I have strengthened my relationship with God. I have always recognized the fact that God blessed me with a talent in music and I have always tried to use it to the best of my ability. Combining that passion for singing with my faith has really brought a deep sense of connection within me. Whenever I sing at Mass, especially the sung Gloria or a song with particularly powerful lyrics, I feel so uplifted and I feel an incredible power and presence of something greater than me within me. It is something that I cannot always fully explain, but the feeling is one that I love. Music is an integral part of my life, in religious and non religious settings so to utilize that gift and passion in the form of prayer at Mass really brings me closer to God and I feel the relationship I have with Him strengthen each time I sing. This part of my relationship with God feels unique to me and I believe that individual form of prayer and connection is where my relationship is recognized and felt more fully.
The two last experiences that I have had more recently, the Spiritual Exercises and the 5- Day Silent Retreat, are two Ignatian forms of prayer that have shown me that to really put myself into the phrase, “God loves you” is when the individual relationship is also recognized. An exercise that my spiritual director used with me was putting my name into a Bible passage, “I have called you by name, Angela”. This was really powerful for me. The ‘you’ always seemed so collective and I always understood ‘you’ as the Church and people of faith. Putting my own name in there made me realize that God has an individual relationship that fits his or her needs because He created them. He knows exactly what an individual will need and attends to those needs throughout their life and while I fully believe that God knows how to speak to me in my life, just the idea that I have a specific and unique relationship with this immeasurable God evokes feelings of both security and awe. Following the Spiritual Exercises, I went on the 5-Day Silent Retreat where God’s individual relationship with me was definitely reinforced. I saw that God was speaking to me in ways and in places where He knew I would hear Him. I was able to see the unique ways in which God works through the people who were also on retreat with me. They were experiencing God in many ways where I had not seen Him and I had been experiencing God in ways that they had not either. These different, but similar experiences of God also reinforced the idea that God can be found in all things. My perception of my relationship with God has clearly changed, but has been strengthened throughout my life. There was a clear presence of God in my life in the communal ways where I felt a connection with Him, but the more personal and unique connection that I have formed with God has helped me to incorporate my faith more fully into my everyday life. Seeing God in this new light and having a deeper appreciation for the relationship that I do have with him has also helped me to improve the conversation with God. Having made the connections between faith and my daily life has allowed me to not only talk to God, but also listen and I can hear him clearer than ever.
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