prayer

I thank God for the gift of my ears
To hear another's cry and feel responsible

I thank God for the gift of my eyes
To see things that frustrate me and make me feel uncomfortable

I thank God for making me uncomfortable enough
To let my emotions out and use those same eyes to cry

I thank God for the gift of my feet
To take a step back and think before I take a step forward to act

I thank God for the gift of my mind
To try and make sense of my experiences
Even when it seems impossible

I thank God for the gift of my hands
To cradle another in their struggle
So that they know it will be okay

I thank God for the gift of my voice
To cry out and stand for another
In the hopes that others will soon hear me

I thank God for the gift of my breath
The exhalation of God in my being;
The foundation of all of these gifts that will work tirelessly
Until God inhales once again

you found me...you found me

The story of St. Ignatius of Loyola’s spiritual journey and the description of the purpose of his Spiritual Exercises greatly affected me.

Listening to the story of St. Ignatius and the transformative experience that he had while recovering from his battle injury oddly correlated with the progression of experiences that I have had during my time at Saint Joe’s, a university whose values and mission are in line with those of the Jesuit and St. Ignatius himself. Similar to the unexpected events that led St. Ignatius to the experiences that he had, I can guess that many incoming freshman do not immediately associate coming to college with the intangible idea of having a transformative, spiritual experience. So many other physical aspects of college like classes, social life and activities flood the perception of any preconceived notion of a college experience. It is not until a person is actually experiencing college life, especially in a university like St. Joe’s , that they begin to feel the values, like “men and women with and for others” and “finding God in all things”, at work. I know that when I came into this university, I was one of these students who never expected to have the transformative experiences that I have had thus far. I knew what the stereotypical notions of college were – the parties, alcohol – and I was scared. From the very beginning, while my other friends and roommates reinforced these stereotypical college activities by going out all the time, I would stay in or, go home most of the time on the weekends to escape the struggle of not knowing where I fit in. Looking back on this struggle, it falls in my college experience where Saint Ignatius’s cannonball injury falls in the story of his transformation. My struggle was not so much that I wanted to be involved in these activities, but I wanted to know how the emotions and struggle of this part of transitioning to college was going to affect me throughout the year. I tried so many different activities my freshman year to see if actively seeking out the cure to my struggle would help. I tried different choirs, clubs and even a sorority which did not last long at all. These attempts were only creating more struggles and it was not until I stepped into Tohatchi, New Mexico that things changed.

The experience of the trip as a whole mirrors the process that we discussed about Saint Ignatius’s reflection during his recovery period. His daydreaming about the two sides of himself and where he felt more at peace is similar to the experience I had during the whole trip. While I did not think that I was coming from a “bad place” necessarily, I was coming from a place of uncertainty, which brought a lot questioning in my own life. I began to see another side of myself, a more spiritual and reflective side that was very different for me. It brought me to a very uncomfortable place internally because for the first time I felt like I was truly connecting to my faith and to God and at the same time, I was comfortable and I felt at peace. The experiences that I had on my summer immersion trip to New Mexico literally changed my life. While the idea of a “life changing experience” is often thrown around, I truly believe that it happened to me on this trip. I found a spiritual part of myself on the trip that I never knew I had. It was like this vibrant spirituality was lying dormant inside of me and needed the spark of this particular trip to ignite. The moment when I truly felt this spirituality awaken was in the Sweat, a traditional Navajo “spiritual exercise”. As I sat on the dirt floor in the hut with my arms crossed over my knees, barefoot and drenched in sweat, I listened to Howard, the Navajo medicine man say prayers and tell us his own reflections and stories. During his prayers, I began to feel an odd pressure on the bottom of my feet. I initially moved my feet back a little from the hot coals, but the pressure and heat did not go away. A wave of energy came over me that, to this day, I still cannot completely describe. The mix of these two sensations focused me in my prayer so much and I felt like a fire was ignited under my feet, a symbol that I interpreted as God showing me that I could go anywhere, do anything and be anything if I set my mind to it. It was an incredibly real, yet spiritual experience of God. The discussion of Saint Ignatius’ experience of God as profound and more real than reality itself is when I correlated my own spiritual journey with his, and what sparked my desire to reflect of the similarities between my journey and his.

I feel repetitive when I constantly refer back to these experiences in papers, conversations and reflections that I have with others, but the impact that those ten days had on, what will be 4 years in college, is also a similarity between the story of Saint Ignatius and my own. The Jesuit tradition reflects the impact that Saint Ignatius’ experiences, writings, lessons and Spiritual Exercises continue to have over spiritual practices and education four hundred years later. On a smaller scale, the experience of New Mexico and the incredible peace and presence of God that I felt in the sweat has impacted the way in which I connect my faith with spirituality and the ways in which I live my life on a day to day basis. Many of the Jesuit values have become a part of this connection between faith and spirituality and had I not had the experiences I did early on in my time at Saint Joe’s, I would not be at the same place spiritually, mentally or academically. Those experiences led me to the path that I believe God has set out for me and I believe that, like St. Ignatius’ story after his transformative experiences, this path will lead me in a direction that will bring true order and happiness to my life.

beeeeep...hey angela..it's God calling

Something that I found interesting was the idea that God deals with each person in a unique way, according to his or her own individual needs.

Until coming to college, most experiences that I labeled as “moments with God” were in communal settings. Whether it was going to Mass or praying before bed with my mom, I had never truly seen the possibility of communication with God as a one on one, personal experience. I saw my relationship with God as one that first involved conversation. My ideas of conversation, however, were skewed as I would be the one doing all of the talking and I did not listen to Him. My relationship with God also felt very standardized. While I was aware that each person was unique, this did not translate for me into the idea that a relationship with God could involve that same, individual feeling. The same bedtime prayers, Sunday Masses, lessons taught in religion classes and the constant communal setting instilled the mindset in me that my relationship with God relied on the presence of others and that I did not have an individual relationship with God. There was always a level of connection that I felt to religion through the prayers and lessons, but I never felt completely connected. I was not bringing my whole self into the relationship and when I realized that I always had the ability to do just that, I changed the way in which I approached my relationship with God.

When coming to Saint Joe’s, several things played key factors in the changes that occurred in my relationship with God. They were my trip to New Mexico, Chapel Choir, the Spiritual Exercises and, most recently, the 5-Day Silent Retreat. The service immersion experience I had in New Mexico has influenced my life in countless ways but in terms of my relationship with God, it reinforced the Jesuit value of finding God in all things. Before college and this trip in particular, I saw God at Mass and in the morning prayers before classes at school. While God was a part of my faith life, I was not actively seeking him out in my day to day experience which did not allow for me to more fully grow and connect in a deeper relationship with Him. New Mexico is where I found God -- I saw His face in the sunrise, his outstretched arms in the limitless horizon, the twinkle of His eye in the glimmering stars and his footprints in the beauty that surrounded me. I found God in myself in New Mexico in the Sweat -- I've never felt God's presence more powerfully inside of me and while I may never feel the intensity of what I felt then ever again, its power still wakes up with me every single day and I pray that I continue to recognize and feel that power each day

Chapel Choir and the gift of music is another way that I have strengthened my relationship with God. I have always recognized the fact that God blessed me with a talent in music and I have always tried to use it to the best of my ability. Combining that passion for singing with my faith has really brought a deep sense of connection within me. Whenever I sing at Mass, especially the sung Gloria or a song with particularly powerful lyrics, I feel so uplifted and I feel an incredible power and presence of something greater than me within me. It is something that I cannot always fully explain, but the feeling is one that I love. Music is an integral part of my life, in religious and non religious settings so to utilize that gift and passion in the form of prayer at Mass really brings me closer to God and I feel the relationship I have with Him strengthen each time I sing. This part of my relationship with God feels unique to me and I believe that individual form of prayer and connection is where my relationship is recognized and felt more fully.

The two last experiences that I have had more recently, the Spiritual Exercises and the 5- Day Silent Retreat, are two Ignatian forms of prayer that have shown me that to really put myself into the phrase, “God loves you” is when the individual relationship is also recognized. An exercise that my spiritual director used with me was putting my name into a Bible passage, “I have called you by name, Angela”. This was really powerful for me. The ‘you’ always seemed so collective and I always understood ‘you’ as the Church and people of faith. Putting my own name in there made me realize that God has an individual relationship that fits his or her needs because He created them. He knows exactly what an individual will need and attends to those needs throughout their life and while I fully believe that God knows how to speak to me in my life, just the idea that I have a specific and unique relationship with this immeasurable God evokes feelings of both security and awe. Following the Spiritual Exercises, I went on the 5-Day Silent Retreat where God’s individual relationship with me was definitely reinforced. I saw that God was speaking to me in ways and in places where He knew I would hear Him. I was able to see the unique ways in which God works through the people who were also on retreat with me. They were experiencing God in many ways where I had not seen Him and I had been experiencing God in ways that they had not either. These different, but similar experiences of God also reinforced the idea that God can be found in all things. My perception of my relationship with God has clearly changed, but has been strengthened throughout my life. There was a clear presence of God in my life in the communal ways where I felt a connection with Him, but the more personal and unique connection that I have formed with God has helped me to incorporate my faith more fully into my everyday life. Seeing God in this new light and having a deeper appreciation for the relationship that I do have with him has also helped me to improve the conversation with God. Having made the connections between faith and my daily life has allowed me to not only talk to God, but also listen and I can hear him clearer than ever.

Dearest Lord,

teach me to be generous.

teach me to serve you as you deserve;

to give and not to count the cost;

to fight, and not to heed the wounds;

to labor, and not to seek to rest;

to give of myself and not to ask for reward,

except the reward of knowing that I am doing

your will.

Live as if you were to die tomorrow.

The topic that I found myself reflecting on most was the exercise that asked what I would do with the last six months of my life.

When the question was initially asked, the length of time left to live was six months. My bucket list was the first thing to come to mind: a trip to Europe, read as much as I can, go to a Mass celebrated by the Pope and much more. As I began to create a list in my head to write down, parts of the question were changed, specifically the part about the amount of time left to live. After moving from six months left to a matter of hours, I wrote down one statement:

“I would not do anything different.”

I listened to the other students in the class share what they would do with their last months or days of life and felt very confused as to why I wrote what I did. I thought maybe I was missing something or that I did not seek to get the most out of my last hours of life on Earth. While I am still confused about my response today as I reflect upon it, I have not changed it to make my reflection process easier and have realized that I responded that way for a reason.

In my last reflection, I thought about the question, “Why do I get out of bed in the morning?” One of the conclusions I came to was that the purpose I have started to realize for my life is a significant part of why I get out of bed in the morning. My purpose has a purpose. It has brought a true sense of motivation that I have never experienced before. With the hectic schedules of homework and activities, I am constantly fabricating short term motivations to achieve different goals that become repetitive and less and less effective each time I use them. My purpose, as a motivation, is constantly renewed through experiences and the people who surround me and never gets old or repetitive. The truth I have found in the motivating idea of purpose is something I thought about in reflecting on the idea of what I would do with my last days on Earth.

With any form of motivation, there is a goal or an end involved. The goal of fulfilling my purpose on Earth has sparked a motivation to actively seek out experiences that point to that purpose and being aware that each day brings me one step closer to finding it. This goal is intangible and while I do not know when I will achieve it or where I will have the experiences that will bring me closer to it, the desire to work towards it is still strong. The question of what I would do with six months or six hours to live has showed me how much I value the true motivations in my life. I realized that the motivation to fulfill my bucket list in the context of this question is fueled by the amount of time left to live and desire to do those things. There is knowledge of the end to come and while the accomplishments seem real externally, I believe that my internal feelings and emotions would not see those motivations as true.

Knowing I only had a certain amount of time to live would change my outlook on life and what I would want to accomplish, no matter how hard I tried to not let it affect me. With this in mind, I wrote that I would not change anything in the last six months of my life because I see the changes as out of the ordinary and motivated by something impending on my life. I would be catching a redeye to Europe, reading incessantly and trying to catch a Mass with Pope Benedict XVI all because I want these physical experiences that may or may not do me any good after my six months or six hours is up. I believe that those experiences would be special in the moment, but the motivation to do those things is forced by the time left to live.

The saying, “Live everyday as if it was your last”, came to mind and took away much of the anxiety I had about what I wrote in class. I go to sleep almost every night knowing that I gave all that I could and I thank God for the experiences and people that bring true motivation and meaning to my life and if I could have given it a little more, I pray that God will give me the chance of another day to do that. Realistically, I really do only have a certain amount of time left to live, I just do not know how much time and while I know and accept this, I do not let it completely dictate my decisions or the way in which I choose to live my life. My life is made up of successes, mistakes, ordinary and extraordinary moments and I do not that think that I would have as full a life if any or all of those things were missing. These moments come with time and I while I do believe that I play somewhat of a role in whether or not they occur, I do not think it is my place to force these events into my life if they are not driven by something true within me.

As I look back to my answer in class about not doing anything differently in my life, I am glad that I did not change my answer. I can only know true motivation from what I have experienced and I believe that a little more of that truth is revealed each day to each person in a small, but significant way. I seek out that little piece of truth every day in my friends and experiences and I believe that to live out whatever time I have left in that way would be the truest and most fulfilling way to do so.

I came across these two photos that I took while I was in New Mexico in 2008 when afew of us got up really early on our last day to see the sunrise at the top of the hill/mountain/landform. I took them only a couple minutes apart. The moon was behind me and the sunrise was in front of me and it was when a lot of things were coming together for me in terms of me coming to a lot of realizations that have led me to where I am now.

I kind of saw it as the moon, the old me, was setting behind me and the sun, the realizations and reflections I had come to experience were rising in front of me…metaphor for my life? Feelings and different thoughts are still setting each day but each time something sets, something else rises in the most powerful of ways.

Peace

...it will decide what will get you out of bed in the morning

Ever since our first day of class, the question “Why do I get out of bed in the morning?” has evoked a sense of struggle and reflection on the purpose of my life thus far. It has caused me to question where I have truly found motivation for the things that I am involved in and passionate about, even when stress and physical exhaustion make my day to day routine seem impossible. Getting out of bed in the morning seemed like the simplest thing to me before coming to college and before reflecting on it this past week. It was part of a routine that I had for twelve years of elementary and high school at home. I would get up, go to school, go to activities, come home and do my assignments, go to bed and then repeat the process starting the next morning. It became something I had to do and there was really no choice involved in it. If someone had asked me four or five years ago why I got out of bed in the morning, I would have most likely responded with “Because I have to”. After coming to college, taking advantage of the opportunities presented to me and having the most incredible experiences, I have started to find more of who I truly am, what I am called to do with my time and energy and what really does motivate me to get out of bed in the morning.

Many experiences that I have had over the past three years, especially my service immersion trips to New Mexico and Ecuador, have changed my life in every sense of the phrase. After returning home from New Mexico, I began to realize what truly motivated me and brought me joy. This realization was reflected in my change of major and how I chose to spend my time and energy in activities on campus. As a result, the people who I surrounded myself with changed as well and they not only supported the decisions I made, but also became part of my motivation. After starting my sophomore year, I saw that there was a significant difference in my attitude and outlook from freshman year. This difference shocked my family and friends and I even shocked myself. Even though I could not believe this difference, I knew it was one that had happened for the better. While many of my friends frequently refer to this difference as a change, I have always referred to it as growth. I am, for the most part, the same, physical person I was when I came to Saint Joe’s. My worldview and spirituality, however, have experienced an indescribable growth that I never saw myself having in only four, short years. While I am extremely blessed and happy with the place I am at now in my life, I constantly look back on my freshman year and the growth I had. That time of growth is not something I regret or see as a waste. It is just as valuable and important as the point I am at now in my life and I would not be where I am now without it.

While I thank God every day for the opportunity to have experienced all that I have over the past two and a half years, I thank him even more for the motivation that these experiences of growth have brought me. Pedro Arrupe’s quote, “What you are in love with, what seizes your imagination will affect everything. It will decide what will get you out of bed in the mornings…fall in love, stay in love and it will decide everything (Molloy)”, perfectly sums up what my experiences have done for me. I have found so much of myself in the experiences that I have had and the people who I have met and they have helped me piece together the purpose that God has set out for me. Even when I am stressed out and overworked, I find the energy to keep going and I know that that energy and motivation comes from the immense love and passion that I have for service and finding God in my experiences, even when it is difficult. By no means have I found my entire purpose and I have my struggles when I do not understand an experience I am having or when I just feel lost. While these moments are difficult, I always come back to a memory from one of my trips or a conversation with a friend and I find the motivation that I need. The ability to find the love inside of me and not give up, even when it is difficult, is how I know that my motivation is real. Those motivations are what get me out of bed in the morning, literally and figuratively. Yes, I get up and go to school, just like I have done routinely for twelve years, but I get out of bed in a different way now. I get out of bed thanking God for giving me another day to experience the motivation I get from doing what I love and feeling a rush of excitement knowing that the day ahead of me is a step closer to seeing the purpose that God has planned for me.

the beginnings of a blog...or something more?

In the midst of being in the second semester of my junior year, the stress and craziness are starting to hit me. Classes, papers, exams, meetings…everything.

One of the things that has kept me sane, however, is class that I am currently taking called Ignatian Spirituality in the Jesuit Tradition — because I’m not submerged enough in the Jesuit values and history of St. Ignatius with my activities and everything. While our class is starting to get into the Ignatian tradition portion of the class, our class discussions and assignments thus far have been my main motivation to actually start a blog.

The assignments are something that I oddly look forward to. The guidelines are simply to find something during class that I find interesting or that bothers me and take time to reflect on that topic and delve deeper into why it had the effect on me that it did. This class has turned into seventy five minutes of me-time on Tuesdays and Thursdays at 4:00 along with the time I get to set aside to reflect on something that stuck out to me in class.

After only two assignments, I’m realizing that taking this time for myself is not only a stress reliever but I’m also coming to many realizations about myself that I would not have had if I did not take this class.

So what am I doing with this blog? For now, I hope to post my reflection assignments and thoughts, photos or anything else that gives me a minute or two to take a step back and breath. I hope that beginning this now also allows me to continue to take time to sit back and reflect even when the time is not cut out in my class schedule or written in my planner as homework each week.

As much as it scares me to think about it, I’m more than half way through college. Many decisions will be made in the next year and a half that will require me to really discern where I need to go next in my life. I hope that this blog can help me to do that. Recognizing the growth that I’ve had since coming to college has been beyond beneficial and I hope that I can continue to recognize the growth and realizations of the next year and a half in my thoughts and reflections.

So walk with me…

Peace