The topic that I found myself reflecting on most was the exercise that asked what I would do with the last six months of my life.
When the question was initially asked, the length of time left to live was six months. My bucket list was the first thing to come to mind: a trip to Europe, read as much as I can, go to a Mass celebrated by the Pope and much more. As I began to create a list in my head to write down, parts of the question were changed, specifically the part about the amount of time left to live. After moving from six months left to a matter of hours, I wrote down one statement:
“I would not do anything different.”
I listened to the other students in the class share what they would do with their last months or days of life and felt very confused as to why I wrote what I did. I thought maybe I was missing something or that I did not seek to get the most out of my last hours of life on Earth. While I am still confused about my response today as I reflect upon it, I have not changed it to make my reflection process easier and have realized that I responded that way for a reason.
In my last reflection, I thought about the question, “Why do I get out of bed in the morning?” One of the conclusions I came to was that the purpose I have started to realize for my life is a significant part of why I get out of bed in the morning. My purpose has a purpose. It has brought a true sense of motivation that I have never experienced before. With the hectic schedules of homework and activities, I am constantly fabricating short term motivations to achieve different goals that become repetitive and less and less effective each time I use them. My purpose, as a motivation, is constantly renewed through experiences and the people who surround me and never gets old or repetitive. The truth I have found in the motivating idea of purpose is something I thought about in reflecting on the idea of what I would do with my last days on Earth.
With any form of motivation, there is a goal or an end involved. The goal of fulfilling my purpose on Earth has sparked a motivation to actively seek out experiences that point to that purpose and being aware that each day brings me one step closer to finding it. This goal is intangible and while I do not know when I will achieve it or where I will have the experiences that will bring me closer to it, the desire to work towards it is still strong. The question of what I would do with six months or six hours to live has showed me how much I value the true motivations in my life. I realized that the motivation to fulfill my bucket list in the context of this question is fueled by the amount of time left to live and desire to do those things. There is knowledge of the end to come and while the accomplishments seem real externally, I believe that my internal feelings and emotions would not see those motivations as true.
Knowing I only had a certain amount of time to live would change my outlook on life and what I would want to accomplish, no matter how hard I tried to not let it affect me. With this in mind, I wrote that I would not change anything in the last six months of my life because I see the changes as out of the ordinary and motivated by something impending on my life. I would be catching a redeye to Europe, reading incessantly and trying to catch a Mass with Pope Benedict XVI all because I want these physical experiences that may or may not do me any good after my six months or six hours is up. I believe that those experiences would be special in the moment, but the motivation to do those things is forced by the time left to live.
The saying, “Live everyday as if it was your last”, came to mind and took away much of the anxiety I had about what I wrote in class. I go to sleep almost every night knowing that I gave all that I could and I thank God for the experiences and people that bring true motivation and meaning to my life and if I could have given it a little more, I pray that God will give me the chance of another day to do that. Realistically, I really do only have a certain amount of time left to live, I just do not know how much time and while I know and accept this, I do not let it completely dictate my decisions or the way in which I choose to live my life. My life is made up of successes, mistakes, ordinary and extraordinary moments and I do not that think that I would have as full a life if any or all of those things were missing. These moments come with time and I while I do believe that I play somewhat of a role in whether or not they occur, I do not think it is my place to force these events into my life if they are not driven by something true within me.
As I look back to my answer in class about not doing anything differently in my life, I am glad that I did not change my answer. I can only know true motivation from what I have experienced and I believe that a little more of that truth is revealed each day to each person in a small, but significant way. I seek out that little piece of truth every day in my friends and experiences and I believe that to live out whatever time I have left in that way would be the truest and most fulfilling way to do so.
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